i'm back with scars to show.

i thought i was going to be good at keeping this up, but so far i haven't been. i used to write at least once a day, it just doesn't come as easy anymore. i don't think i've lost my passion for it. i think i've just started to keep all my thoughts to myself.

that's a dangerous thing, you know?

before my cousin passed today, i started giving a lot of thought to his life. he was never married, no kids. both of his parents were still alive, so he had them. but i think a lot about the fact that he didn't have that human companionship. he was engaged once, i remember that. he was also head over heels for a woman about two years ago. but romantic love was something on this earth that failed him. i wonder how he felt about that. i don't think it bothered him much really though. and that thought perplexes me.

if he had found love, how would his life had been different? he may have not served the Lord the way he did. another person would be in the picture right now, grieving his loss. things could have played out much differently. it just reminds me that everything works together for something bigger and greater. you may never see it in the midst of desperate times, but it will be brought to light sooner or later.

which by the way, i know he found love.
because God is love.
but i have such a desire for human love.
romantic love.

and i wonder if that desire is keeping me from other things.
and i wonder if i tried letting go of that desire.
stopped worrying about earthly things.
and focused more on what i should be doing with my life,
would i spend the rest of my life alone?

i also thought about how unfair death can be. it just doesnt seem just to me some ways. take my cousin for instance. here he was, a man of the Lord, dedicated his life to serving him, and his death was long and painful. it just doesn't add up in my mind, it's behind my comprehension. same thing happened to my great grandmother. a woman of the Lord, lived for him everyday since she was 14 years old. she spent a month or more in the hospital suffering from congestive heart failure. it just seems wrong to me.

some would say if it's not of good, then it's not from the lord.
but why doesn't the Almighty intervene and give his servants a break.
a life full of service and a battle on the way out?
bottomline: im not down with it, and it pisses me off.



it's late, and the next few days aren't going to be fun.
goodnight.