you're better alone anyways

i woke up today in the worst mood i've found myself in in a very long time. i would like to blame in on falling asleep to the bayside acoustic cd, but i don't believe that was completely it. it really took everything in me to even get out of bed today. once i was up, i knew i shouldn't have even bothered getting up. this day was destined to blow.

as i was getting ready for work, i heard my mom and grandma talking about my cousin. they were talking about how everyone had bought him gifts and now they didn't know what to do with them since he passed away. i literally fought back tears, focused my energy on making a christmas card then left for work. once at work everyone kept telling me to smile. i've told people to smile before, but i don't think i'll ever do it again. that has to be the most annoying thing to hear when it's the last thing you want to do. work was the last place i wanted to be, but mom decided to have a family dinner at the house tonight, so i didn't really want to be home either.

after work i came home and everyone was already gone. i was glad and bummed at the same time. i wanted to spend time with my aunt who was in from alabama, but i missed her. i really didn't even feel like eating anything, but mom insisted. after eating i was sitting in the living room and dad said "if you get a chance tomorrow you should go by the graveyard and look at your grandpa's tombstone..". i just said okay and hoped that would be the end of it, considering i had been on the verge of tears all day. then mom said "aren't you going to tell her why?" and dad said "your name is etched on the stone; all the kids and grandkids names are on it..". that did it; the dam broke. i started to cry and grabbed my coat and ran to my car.

off to the lake. cried the whole way. cried for a good 30 mins to an hour once i got there. i needed to let it out, but i know there is so much still there. then i went to adam's. he was in a bad mood as well. we each grabbed a couch and a blanket and killed the lights. talked about how fucked this life is. ate some chocolate. chilled out. id like to say it helped things but it didn't really. i got up and left after being there for about 2 hours. came home, listened to music, talked to eric on aim, and here i am.

i hope i wake up tomorrow and im back to my old self. i doubt that will happen though, in all honesty. i want nothing more than to sleep through christmas. me and adam talked about how we would like to go to the park and destroy the christmas lights. evil, i know. we also talked about how we wished he had a christmas tree that was decorated just so we could set it on fire. i know someone is going to read this and think oh my what is wrong with them?!

im fed up with life being filled with letdown after letdown. 2008 was about half good times, half bad times. i would say six months was good, and the other six were bad. it just so happens the first 3 were bad, and the last 3 were bad. came in a bad note, leaving on a bad note. but it's all things out of my control, it's just life. i have to take what is dealt and make the best of it.

problem is, i don't know how to make the best of two deaths in my family in just a little over a month. i don't know how to make the best of my best friend moving 3 hours away from me, because all i'm reminded of is everyone i get close to and put complete trust in leave me. it's never their fault, it just happens, but once again: not fair. i don't know how to make the best of wanting someone i shouldn't and making mistakes. he's the only thing that makes me smile, that brightens my day, that makes me feel good about myself or life -- but he is the last thing that should do any of those things for me, based on past events and current circumstances.

i need to get away. far away.
i think i may seriously take a monestary retreat in feburary.
goodnight =/