you walked in, just like smoke

i absolutely positively hate that i care about people who do not care back. i hate that i dont give up on people that everyone else gives up on. i hate that im always thinking about others before myself. all it has left me is empty, broke, and hurting.

im such a stupid girl. im a complete fucking idiot when it comes to so many things. i spent the later part of tonight shaking and holding back tears because of all the realizations. what the fuck am i doing? what am i thinking? why cant i for once in my life make a decision for myself, on my own, with no ones help? why cant i not worry about other people and other things and look out for myself?

so many times in my life ive had this vision of how i wanted things to end up or turn out. with each passing day, i lose more and more faith in those dreams. i feel like ill never have anything i ever want or deserve and i really dont understand why. ive done a lot of things with my life, especially in the past year, but im not where i thought id be by now. i feel really lost and i think i have for almost 3 years now, it just gets worse every day and with every mistake.

i think im going to just pack up one day in a couple weeks and take off. i just wish i had an idea of where to go. ha, isnt that just the story of my life?! ughhhh.

fml.
seriously.