nothing matters anymore.

to be quite honest, im not sure what is going on with my life right now. i know that i stress wayyyy too much, but i believe its valid. i have debt and that bothers me. im not working as much as i used to, and not by choice. im worried about what im doing with my life and the fact im getting older and feel like i have nothing to show for it. i mean, ive done some really cool things with really cool people. but im still working at lowes, still living with my parents, still just getting by.

not to say that if i were graduating college this may (like many of the people i went to school with are) that id feel any better about myself or life. id probably be just as lost, and probably feel like a complete and total fake. if i had a diploma for a christian ministries major and knew i hadnt been involved in a ministry program in over a year, not to mention havent stepped foot in a church in at least four months, id feel like i was living the biggest lie ever.

i think that is one of the reasons i didnt go back to school. i felt like a fake.

i know whats in my heart, i really do. i know that im always going to have a heart of service and that i cant live without helping others. im just at a weird place in my life, but i feel horrible for saying that. because, to be honest, ive been in at a weird place in my life ever since i didnt get the first ministry position i applied for. i know and have accepted that it was for the best that i didnt get it, but things have never been the same since. i havent been the same since. funny how you can let something like that effect the complete course of your life. i guess we all make decisions, and sometimes they aren't the best. but, we live and we learn.

well, that all came out of nowhere. i wish i could say these things when im with someone so they could talk back to me. but i dont like talking about things, anything. im a great listener, but to get me to talk about things im dealing with is nearly impossible. so, if i ever talk to you about anything of meaning, consider yourself special.

goodnight.