a long december.

its new years eve and i feel like throwing up.
and no, i haven't had anything to drink.

sometimes i feel like if i could just scream obscenities at the top of my lungs i would feel so much better. i really don't think it would though. i wish i had someone to take a country drive with me tonight. someone to blare music with and drink jones soda with, just so we could break the bottles; thats the best part.

have you ever loved and hated someone at the same time? like wanted to cuss them out and punch them in the face, but at the same time you know it only takes them saying a certain thing or doing something then all that hate goes out the window. i feel that way right this second.

ive been giving a lot of thought about myself in the past couple of days. here is what i think:
i am a beautiful, sweet, caring girl who gives too much and is left feeling empty.
i have never had a beautiful relationship with any man and i often times fear i never will.
i put up walls and don't allow many people to get close to me because i fear they will leave, like they have.
i wish i could have stayed eighteen forever.
with each passing day, i see myself becoming a more bitter person and i hate that.
i believe i would become a nun if i could still go to shows.
as i get older, im seeing how hard and cruel life really is and parts of me wish i could ignore that.
if i didn't have writing as an outlet, i would have been put in a padded cell many years ago.

two more hours until the new year.
good fucking bye 2008.