searching for something more.

i decided that livejournal is a dying breed. i found this and said what the hell. i love writing, so just another place for me to lay it all out there for the world to see.

i think ive almost decided what im going to do, for the time being. i think im going to try working two jobs, pay off some debt, and then move off. i know, i feel like im never going to get out of here. i also feel horrible about not going back to school this semester, but 1) i dont have the money for it and 2) im not happy there. maybe by next fall i will be in a better financial/emotional/physical/mental standing and be ready to tackle school again, and somewhere besides lindsey wilson college.

i was thinking today and i think it would be best if i were to forget about looking for a significant other for the moment. i know, easier said than done, but part of me thinks so much of my time and life has been consumed with that. there is just something about me though, something that feels like i need someone to focus my interest on. something that makes me think i can't be completely single and not looking. it's something im having a hard time embracing. im not sure if its because i shouldn't embrace it, or that i really should and i keep denying it.

im a piece of work, let me tell you.

i know i need to be working with the elderly too. in my heart i know its what i need to do. when i get involved in conversation with elderly people i have so much fun. but, part of me is still freaked out by the idea. i think its because i know it means developing relationships with people who don't have much time left on this earth. and all my life, everyone ive developed strong relationships with have left me. and trust me, that hurts like none other. working in a field like that would just be setting myself up for heartache, but its as if my head says no and my heart says yes. i think my heart knows that the hurt i feel is nothing compared to what many elderly feel. many of them feel forgotten and alone and that is a terrible way to have to leave this world.

i think ive said more than enough for now.
goodnight.
=]