goodnight my friends.

i really am losing my mind, but its comforting knowing im not alone.

life has beating me senseless lately. ive done some really cool things, i have some decent/cool days, but overall it seems like there is always something to bring me down (whether it be directly or indirectly). im mad and angry, more than ive ever been. im frustrated and sad, also more than ive ever been. the warm weather of tuesday and the drive to madball made me feel good, the best ive felt in a long time, but that all faded quickly, with sobering realities and the snow.

i miss companionship. i miss real love. but im too fucking afraid to put myself out there because ive been hurt one too many times. i had something happen to me today that shook my very exsistance. it was one of those things that just come out of nowhere and you never EVER see it coming and it leaves you speechless. it made me question what im doing with my life. it made me think about how much ive changed in just a year. it made me think of how things could be so different, and how i might be happier if they were.

and all it took was small talk with someone i hadnt seen or spoke to in over a year at the bank in walmart.

what have i done with myself?
what am i doing with myself?
i need to grow up.